Sex and Grief: Navigating Intimacy in the Shadow of Loss

#31daysofwholeness #alreadywhole depression grief healing self love solo sex wellness Jan 06, 2023

Last year closed out on the wrong foot. I was excited to finish up some lingering projects and to coast into my new year. I flew back to Atlanta, with my laptop, a couple of books and my brand new 2023 calendar, and after a beautiful visit with my family the first night, I called it a night early so I could get started on my to-do list. I was prepared to finish this list before the new year, but not for what came next.

At 8am, my eldest brother called me to let me know that my other brother died the night before, suddenly at age 50 and everything came to a screeching halt. My plate was pretty full, but now with grieving on my to-do list, it all of a sudden seemed to be too much. We buried my brother Frankie the Friday before Christmas, and I was left sitting there with all of the shit grief dropped off on my doorstep.

Grief is a natural response to loss, and it can have a profound impact on every aspect of life, including our relationships and sex life. I have been reminding myself that it's normal experience a range of emotions and to feel like you've lost a part of yourself, but grief challenges the way I connect to my body as well as my desire for intimacy. Me being me, I know that pleasure is my medicine, and sex -- especially solo sex --  can be a comforting and connecting experience. Even in my grief, it has provided a sense of intimacy and closeness that I believe is griefs ultimate longing, while offering a sense of normalcy and routine in a time when everything else has felt uncertain.

If you're struggling with sex and grief, here are a few things to consider:

  1. Take your time. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and everyone's experience is different. It's important to allow yourself to feel and process your emotions without feeling pressure to "get over it."

  2. Talk to your partners and lovers. Communication is key in any relationship, and it's especially important when you're grieving. Talk to your partner about your feelings and how you're coping with your loss. Be open and honest about what you need and what you're comfortable with. Your people will ask you what you need. Spend time with that and be honest, whether or not you believe they can fulfill your needs. Say them aloud!

  3. Seek support. Grief can be a lonely and isolating experience, and it's important to have a support system to lean on. I am so grateful for the Atlanta Tantra Community and my therapist, both of whom have provided beautiful outlets for me during this process. 

  4. Be patient with yourself. It's normal to experience ups and downs when you're grieving, and it's okay to take things one day at a time. Don't be hard on yourself if you're not feeling up to sex or intimacy. A simple slow body rub while crying can sometimes be the solo sex medicine you need. It doesn't need to be hard and fast. It certainly doesn't need to lead to orgasm. 

  5. Consider seeking professional help. If you're struggling with sex and grief, it may be helpful to talk to a therapist or sex therapist. They can help you work through your emotions and address any issues that may be impacting your sex life.

Erotic embodiment practices can be helpful in processing and healing from grief because they can provide a way to connect with the body and the present moment, and can be a source of comfort and pleasure. Here are a few practices that may be helpful:

  1. Sensate focus: This is a practice in which you focus on sensation and pleasure in the body, without any goal or agenda. You can try this alone or with a partner, and you can focus on touch, taste, smell, sound, or sight to bring your attention to the present moment.

  2. Body-centered meditation: This is a practice in which you focus on the physical sensations in the body, rather than on the breath or a mantra. This can help you become more aware of and connected to your body, and can be a helpful way to cope with grief.

  3. Conscious erotic touch: This is a type of massage that focuses on pleasure and sensuality, rather than just relaxation or therapeutic touch. It can be a way to connect with the body and experience pleasure, which can be especially helpful if you are feeling disconnected or numb due to grief.

  4. Erotic dance: Moving the body in a way that feels sensual and expressive can be a way to connect with the present moment and feel more alive. You can try this alone or with a partner, and you can use music or other stimuli to enhance the experience.

There is no one-size-fits-all tool to heal grief, so take your time and listen to YOUR BODY. Remember to check in with yourself to see what feels comfortable and enjoyable. Pleasure can help the body offer ease to your grief, but it is a difficult and complex experience, and it's important to find what works best for you. 

While it is not uncommon for people to turn to pleasurable activities as a way to cope with grief and difficult emotions, it is important to note that these activities do not necessarily "heal" grief in the same way that seeking therapy or support from loved ones can. However, some of the chemicals that are released in response to pleasurable activities such as sensual touch can have temporary effects that may provide some level of comfort or distraction from grief.

Grief can be a difficult and overwhelming experience, and it's important to give yourself time and space to heal. Remember to love on yourself and lean on those who offer you support when you need it. With time, you will find your way. Take your time, find your way and trust your body. It knows best!

In pleasure & power,

 

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