Embracing Standards: A Pathway to Empowerment and Authenticity
What is a standard? The woo-woo answer is that they are the whispers of our soul guiding us towards what truly serves us – that little voice that tells you this is what you need to feel safe and is waiting for you to listen. The thing you ignore when you put rules in place to protect you. The sex coach answer is that it is a part of an effective strategy to create the boundaries necessary to truly experience orgasmic pleasure. Boundaries are realized through standards and consequences. When we lack standards, it's all too easy to fall into the trap of rules that restrict our movement, creating an illusion of control, while stifling our growth and limiting our exploration.
Standards and rules often go hand in hand, but they are very different things. When we have no standards in place, we tend to rely on a bunch of rules to survive. Rules can provide structure and guidance, but they are limiting and restrictive.
Rules are defined by a triggering condition whereas standards provide a set of relevant considerations and options. In other words, they establish a framework for evaluating and making decisions based on a specific set of criteria. Unlike rules, which are often rigid and inflexible, standards allow for more flexibility and discretion. They provide guidance and a common set of expectations and can ensure consistency.
Where rules are directives that we often hand out to others, standards are benchmarks that we set for ourselves, reflecting our values and aspirations. Standards require a level of personal responsibility, accountability and integrity whereas rules require discipline. When we have standards, they become our compass, guiding us towards a safe body, a regulated nervous system. Standards are powerful invitations to honor our authentic selves and to make choices that are in alignment with our wholeness. Standards empower us to say "yes" to what nourishes us and "no" to what doesn't.
What does all this mean? Well, you might have a standard that says your lovers and friends are well enough resourced and have the emotional intelligence to communicate directly, clearly and respectfully when a problem arises. Or you might have a rule that says don’t raise your voice when you are talking to me. The standard allows me to be in relationship with people who can raise a grievance without raising their voice. The rule prohibits you from yelling at me. The standard speaks to the character of the person I am allowing myself to be in the company of. The rule demands that you behave a certain way to be around me, whether that is who you are or not. Both are real and valuable. One offers more.
When I work with someone to identify and articulate their standards, we see some pretty transformative magic as they begin to both embrace and live up their own standards and review their relationship with those that don’t. This work is life-changing and always reveals renewed confidence, profound self-respect, and a deeper, more fulfilling relationship with their bodies and their sensual selves.
Standards help us navigate our relationships, professional, familial and erotic. They guide us towards experiences that not only meet our needs but also ignite our passion, awaken our senses, and deepen our connection with our bodies. Standards invite us to demand more—more pleasure, more respect, more authenticity. They help us ensure our needs our met and define the boundaries that allow us to show up fully. With a clear, measurable standard in place your boundary can very easily be the defining line for who has access to you at different levels. This is high level strategy for spiritual wellness and self-care. It is very easy to see how someone views their self-worth by looking at the standards they have. Standards are a statement of values.
If life is a sensual dance, rules dictate each step, each turn, each sway, leaving little room for improvisation or personal flair, while standards would be the style and rhythm that guides the dance, makes it recognizable and allows you to move freely and confidently, adding your unique touch to each step. You are the choreographer of your life's dance. Make it a masterpiece. In 2024, let's embrace our standards and honor our worth. Let's create lives that not only meet our needs but also ignite our passion, awaken our senses, and deepen our connection with ourselves.
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